


carry my heart home to you

by allisonRW96



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: And Neither Do I, Eddie Diaz doesn't forgive the Buckley parents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), oops they made out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 05:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30067017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allisonRW96/pseuds/allisonRW96
Summary: After his parents join him for a therapy session, Buck starts to learn that some people are never going to be able to give you what you need. And some people are.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 21
Kudos: 506





	carry my heart home to you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey gang. 
> 
> It's been a long time since I've written regularly, but I've become mildly obsessed with 9-1-1 and I need an outlet. Glad to find that I still can't do titles (stole this one from Me and the Devil by the Fratellis) and I've never even tried to tag anything before, so please let me know if I'm missing something critical.
> 
> Other than that, please accept my humble first offering to the fandom!  
> ****

They’ve had it scheduled for two weeks. Buck’s tried to pretend like he hasn’t been counting down, waiting for it. His friends know that he’s trying to fix this with his parents, that they agreed to come to therapy, but he hasn’t told them that it’s happening today. He did tell Maddie, who was unimpressed.

“I just don’t know what you expect from them, Buck,” she said with her all-knowing, big sister voice. “Our parents… they were different after Daniel. But maybe not much as you think. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

“They’re my parents, Maddie,” Buck had said. “I want them to know me.”

Maddie had just looked at him for a long time before finally shaking her head, “You’re a good person, Evan. You’re a hero and you have people who love you. And you did it all without them.”

Buck hears her, he does. But he also thinks maybe she’s saying it for herself too. Just a little bit.

So the appointment comes, carefully planned for his day off. He asks Albert if he wouldn’t mind being out of the apartment for a few hours, gives him his car keys to make it happen. Buck changes his shirt three times and ends up in something collared and pastel – a date shirt, from when dates were still a thing. He double checks the connectivity of his wifi, gets a glass of water to keep nearby and sets up to wait.

***

He knows he doesn’t need to bring anything, but when Buck pulls up to Eddie’s house after eight that night, he’s got a 6 pack in the passenger seat. He sits for just a minute with the motor running, worrying like he always does about intruding. Texting first would have been polite; it’s just that there was no way to ask for what he needed. Buck was learning a lot about expressing his feelings, but, “Help, I’m sad,” was not a message he could send to Eddie.

He gets out of the car and knocks on the door.

“Hey,” Eddie says, answering quickly. “What’s going on?”

Eddie had the day off too and his face is rested, his posture relaxed. He’s barefoot and holding a book in his hand. It’s blue with a red shape on the front that looks like, “Is that a giant squid?” Buck asks, reaching for it.

“Yeah, Chris is on an ocean kick right now. Last week was coral reefs. This week,” Eddie smiles, turning the book over for Buck to see.

“Shit,” Buck drops his hand immediately. “It’s bedtime isn’t it? I didn’t even look at the time.” He had sat around waiting and waiting for Albert to finally get back with his Jeep and his keys and then he was out the door and on his way to Eddie, barely stopping to grab his shoes. All afternoon he’d felt tilted and wrong and Eddie was the one who always made him feel like he had both feet on the ground. 

“You brought provisions though,” Eddie says, pointing with the book to the beer in Buck’s hand. “C’mon, come in. We’ve got pajamas and teeth brushing down, just have the story to go. You can come say goodnight if you want.”

What can he say but yes? Even though he knows his presence is going to extend bedtime by at least an extra half an hour. Eddie takes the beer from him, replaces it in his hand with the book.

“I’ll put this in the fridge. Go on, I know you’re dying to read about the giant squid.”

“Oh, I’m familiar with the giant squid. Did you know they’re over 40 feet long? And probably the source of a lot of sea monster legends.”

“Hey, you know who’d really like to hear a lot of facts about big fish? Christopher. He’s right down the hall.”

“Cephalopods, Eddie, learn your mollusks.”

Buck takes himself down the hall, ignoring the grumbling about tentacles that Eddie sends after him. When he stops in the doorway and says, “I hear we’re reading about the ocean tonight,” Chris’s shriek of delight as he sits up in bed is almost all the medicine that he needs.

***

They get through two chapters before Eddie comes into the room to insist that some actual sleep take place. Buck leaves them alone, kissing Chris on the forehead and heading to the kitchen. He grabs one of the beers he brought and hoists himself up on the counter to wait. The radio’s on, something he knows and he mouths the words into the bottle like it’s a microphone.

“Practicing for post-pandemic karaoke?” Eddie asks, appearing in the doorway and going in for a beer of his own.

“Chim and Maddie are out of practice. That title’s mine,” Buck says and he croons, “Take all the money you want from me / Hope you become what you want to be”

“I think their title’s safe.”

“You haven’t heard me hit the high notes yet.”

“God help me.”

Eddie leans against the counter across from Buck and takes a short swig from his bottle, “So what’s up? What’d you do today?”

“Taught Albert how to put out a grease fire.”

“Oh shit, really?” Eddie laughs. “You’re not here with your suitcase so I’m guessing no damage?”

“I caught him before he dumped a cup of water on it, thank god. I didn’t see him again the rest of the day.”

“Uh-oh, you scared him?”

“I yelled. But he tried to burn down my apartment!”

“Fair enough.”

They both laugh and Buck picks at the label on his bottle. He could put it off, but Eddie knows he’s not here because of a roommate spat. He says, “I had to kick him out anyway because I had that meeting with Dr. Copeland and my parents today.”

“That was today?” Eddie’s eyes flick to Buck’s. “How was it?”

Buck closes his eyes and sighs deeply, “Maddie told me not to do it.”

“What happened?”

“They were… themselves. Just like they’ve been my whole life.”

“What does that mean?”

It means that it felt like being 8 years old and only seeing Maddie in the stands at the soccer finals. Like being 14 and being told he was going to get to stay home for himself during spring break while they went to the Keys. Like every time they forgot to introduce him to another adult who came over. Like being told “not today, Evan” every time he wanted to bring a friend around. Like being 25 and burning up with a fever in a foreign country, feeling like his bones were going to break apart and being warned about the cost of international calls. Like being 28 and listing his boss as his emergency contact because there was no one else.

“You ever come home with something. I don’t know like a-a- a trophy or a report card or something you were proud of? And you try to show it off and you just get crickets?”

Eddie nods.

“And I mean not even like, ‘It’s a good try, but it’s only 2nd place,’ but like they just look at you like they can’t even figure out why you’re bothering to show it to them. Like it’s such a complete waste of their time.” Buck drinks, swallows, says, “Dr. Copeland and I talked about what it would be like. It was the first time; we just wanted to make sure they felt comfortable, talk about what we needed from each other. The first thing my mom says is, ‘Well to tell you the truth, Evan, I’m not really sure what we’re doing here.’”

“Christ, Buck.”

The words had blindsided Buck too. And after he’d sworn up and down that he didn’t have any expectations of them. Thankfully, Dr. Copeland had stepped in, unflappable as ever. She reiterated that their meetings were to facilitate an open line of communication between the three of them, to help them address old injuries in a healthy way.

Margaret had bridled at that saying, “No, no, I didn’t agree to come here to be ambushed. We gave you everything, Evan. As much as we were suffering, you and your sister never went without. We _always_ provided for you.”

Dr. Copeland had interrupted saying, among other things, “Margaret, I believe your son has asked that you call him Buck. And I’m going to insist on it here in these sessions.”

They didn’t make it through the full hour and Buck had been relieved they’d already scheduled him his own debriefing session immediately after. He and the doctor had hit all the highlights: he wasn’t asking for too much, he wasn’t imagining the pain in his childhood, he could decide now if he wanted to try and meet with his parents again in a therapy setting or continue on his own. Trouble was, Buck knew that continuing on your own was sometimes a choice but other times it was the only option you had.

“I really let them do it to me again. All that talk when they were here about seeing who I was, being proud of me for saving lives. I thought it was different, but it was just like… I’d get hurt or sick as a kid. Crash my bike, fall out of a tree, start a fire and they’d have to look at me. Have to _care_ for me. And then as soon as I was better, everything went back to the way it had been.”

Draining his bottle, Buck sets it on the counter and rubs his hands over his face. He hears the fridge open and Eddie hands him another beer. “Unless you want something stronger,” he offers.

“Probably shouldn’t drink at all when I feel like this,” Buck says, popping the top.

“Probably not.”

There’s a silence where Buck waits for Eddie to say something and Eddie deliberately doesn’t. He’s chewing his lip and he has Buck fixed with a _look_ , but he doesn’t speak.

“Will you just say it?” Buck snaps.

“Say what?”

“Whatever you’re over there thinking about saying. ‘I should have known better than to try this with them. I shouldn’t need it anyway. Plenty of people have shitty parents and they just figure out how to fucking deal with it without making it their whole goddamn personality.’”

“Okay that is not what I was thinking,” Eddie stands up straighter. “Is that what you think I think I’d-”

“No,” Buck says it louder than he means to because, fuck, he didn’t come over here to piss off his friend. Guilt is on Eddie’s face and Buck knows he’s remembering a time when he did think things like that, said things like that, hurt Buck deliberately and efficiently because _he_ was hurt. It’s been a long time since then.

“No, I’m- That’s me. That’s what I’m thinking.” He’s thinking worse things, but he’s supposed to avoid negative self-talk. “Sorry,” he kicks his feet, tapping his heels against the cabinets.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Buck.”

Eddie’s still just _looking_ at him. His mouth is set in a firm line and Buck has the feeling that he wants to come across the room and shake him. Instead, he settles back against the counter and fiddles with the bottle in his hand.

“Anyway I don’t know if we’re going to do it again. Dad said something about trying to bring her around, but… I think Mom thought we were done after that day at the station. That that should be enough. Maybe she’s right, maybe I should just stop trying for something that’s never going to happen.”

Eddie scoffs, not bothering to hide the derision.

“What?”

“You’re not going to like it.”

“It’s okay, Eds. I can take it.” It’s what he came over for.

“I’m on your side here, Buck and I’m trying to see it, I really am. You want a relationship with them and I want you to have what you want, but just… Fuck them. Fuck both of them.” He puts down his beer and stands again, moving around the kitchen like he can’t keep still.

“Of course, you’re going to keep trying. How many Christmas cards did you send Maddie without ever hearing back? How long did you haunt Abby’s apartment, watering her plants? How hard did you fight to get back to work after you got hurt? Of course, you’re still trying with them. It’s what you do.”

_You never give up._

It was a compliment when Athena said it. A part of himself to be proud of. Eddie doesn’t mean that it isn’t exactly, but he says it like he knows exactly what it costs Buck to hold on so tightly. To try with his bare hands to keep all the most important pieces of his life from flying away from him.

Raking a hand through his hair, Eddie says, “You say they’re not bad people. And maybe they’re not. But Buck, they are fucking awful parents. It’s their job to be there for you. No matter what else they’re dealing with, no matter how hard it is.”

“They went through something awful, Eddie. They had me to save Daniel and I couldn’t do it. Even if they didn’t blame me, they were heartbroken. They couldn’t stand the thought of doing it again so they didn’t let themselves… and I wasn’t an easy kid. I made it too hard.”

“No.”

“No?”

Eddie is perfectly still. Buck can feel the anger rippling off of him even as his voice remains calm.

“It wasn’t your job to be easy. You think you have a kid and it’s nothing like what you expected you what? Toss them and start over?”

“Of course not, Eddie-” Buck starts because he can hear what Eddie’s implying and he has to know-

Eddie ignores him, plowing on because he does know. Buck would never make that excuse for someone else’s parents. Never say another kid was too much. 

“They should have loved you anyway. And they should have made sure you knew it every day. You’re not hard to love, Buck. I’ve never met anyone easier to love.”

And Eddie doesn’t know, can’t know, what it does to Buck to hear those words said just that way just like that. When he said them himself at dinner, it was a plea. _Love me even though I don’t deserve it, even though I wasn’t what you wanted, even though I let you down over and over again_. Eddie says it like it’s their failure, like Buck _is_ worthy, like they’re the ones letting him down.

He says, “Except Chris,” because God what is he supposed to say to that? 

“Except Chris,” Eddie agrees. 

“I guess I just… I can understand. I know how much it hurts to love someone and to lose them. It had to be so hard to try and open themselves up to it again with someone else.” 

“Not someone else,” Eddie’s voice is gentler now but no less firm. “ **You** , Buck. Their son. And you just- You do it anyway. You just love them. You’ll always be scared because it’s like having your whole goddamn heart walking around out there in the world where anything can happen to it. But you have to be brave. That’s how you love someone.” 

Buck can feel his eyes filling up and he wants to duck his head, but he can’t look away from Eddie. Eddie who looks like he would storm a castle for Buck right now, slay a dragon. 

“I’m sorry. I know this is important to you. I know you’re not giving up on them and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come over here and talk about it, but you need to know: this is on them. If they can’t get over themselves to even meet you in the middle? Fuck them.” 

He isn’t going to cry. He is not going to fucking cry sitting on the counter in Eddie’s kitchen. He says, “Thanks, man,” and the words are so strangled that he thinks tears might be less embarrassing. 

This time when Eddie looks at him, he looks almost broken-hearted. Buck doesn’t have time to figure out why or react because before he can, Eddie is across the room and pulling him into his arms. He steps between Buck’s legs and surrounds him, one arm strong on his back and the other cradling the back of his head. 

“You deserve better,” Eddie says, his breath against Buck’s ear. Buck squeezes him back, sags against him. “So much better,” he says. And then Eddie presses his lips to Buck’s temple. 

Buck doesn’t think he can come back from this. He touches Eddie all the time; Eddie touches him. But this isn’t going to fit in the box of denial that he keeps in his chest labeled: Platonic. 

Then Eddie kisses him again in the same place. Again on his cheek. Again on his jaw. 

Buck exhales his name on a ragged breath and hugs Eddie harder, fingers fisting into his shirt. “What are you doing?” He doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to hope, but he can’t let Eddie do this if it isn’t- if he doesn’t- 

“I’m being brave,” Eddie says. “You deserve it.” 

Buck can’t think, can’t reply. If he opens his mouth, he thinks he’s going to weep. Eddie’s head is tucked into the crook of his neck and shoulder and his breath is hot on his skin. All he can think is that he doesn’t deserve this. But he _wants_ it. And if Eddie doesn’t pull away, Buck is never ever letting go. 

Misreading his silence, Eddie pulls back just a little so he can look Buck in the face. He says, “I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay if you don’t want… more. I just need you to know that I’m here for you. No matter what happens. No matter what you do. I love you.” 

"Thank you,” Buck croaks out. 

Sliding his hands up to Buck’s face, Eddie shakes his head, “Don’t thank me for that. That’s… that’s yours. All you have to do is take it.” 

Now Buck moves, hooking his feet around the back of Eddie’s thighs and tilting his head to touch their foreheads together. The touch makes Eddie’s eyes go wide and dark and Buck’s breath catches in his throat. He’s seen Eddie react to him before, seen Eddie’s gaze linger on him, felt his touch do the same; but all those times Buck had been trying so hard to convince himself that he wasn’t seeing those things, that he didn’t want them, he hadn’t really taken a chance to enjoy it before. It enchants him now. He flicks his gaze to Eddie’s lips, watches his tongue dart out in response to moisten them. Then Buck looks back into his eyes. 

“What if I give it back to you?” 

Buck’s dreamed this moment a hundred times and nothing he’s imagined can compare to the feel of Eddie’s soft lips welcoming him, opening for him as he lowers his mouth to capture him in a kiss. They come together gently, reverently. Eddie kisses him tenderly while the strength in his hands and his frame against Buck’s underlines the promise he made moments ago. He’s not going anywhere. 

Their kiss gets deeper, greedier. Buck moans into it as Eddie’s hands start to roam, one ending up in his hair and the other on his hip. He presses forward, desperate to feel, taste, touch more and then he slips, his ass starting to slide off the edge of the counter. 

Eddie catches him. Of course, he catches him and pushes him back, his eyes twinkling bright as he does, “Easy, Tiger.” 

“Not used to being the one on top of the counter,” Buck laughs. “It’s not as easy as it looks.” 

Catching both of Buck’s hands in his, Eddie winds their fingers together, “Maybe next time we switch it up? Unless you want more practice.” 

“Yes. To both. Yes, to everything. Eddie,” Buck crashes them together again, frantic with need. Keeping a tight hold of their hands, Eddie surges forward, kissing a burning line of kisses down Buck’s throat. His lips land and linger on Buck’s pulse, driving all conscious thought out of the other man’s head. Buck squirms and he _whines_. He usually does his best to temper the sound of his pleasure- not everyone likes a man who’s loud in bed. But Eddie has to be doing this on purpose, seeking out deliberately the places that make him gasp and then doing it again so how can he deny him the satisfaction? 

And Buck is jello. Every part of him is loose and pliant (with one notable hard exception), begging for Eddie’s insistent mouth. Buck whispers his name, pulling Eddie closer with his legs because his hands are still being held, but he wants more, wants to give more, “Please,” he says. 

“Anything,” Eddie promises. “Ask me.” 

“Let me touch you. I need-” His hands are free instantly and he grabs Eddie to fuse their mouths together in a searing kiss, his fingers hungrily searching out Eddie’s skin under his shirt. He wants everything at once, absolutely cannot get enough of touching Eddie, of Eddie wanting to be touched by him. 

As they break for air, Eddie groans, “Fuck.” 

Buck lights up from the inside out, knowing he’s responsible for the utterly wrecked tone of Eddie’s voice, the starving look in his eyes. He’s almost trembling with that power, but he manages a cheeky grin as he asks, “Wondering why you waited so long to make a move?” 

“I should have shoved you against the truck on my first day.” 

“I might have liked that.” 

With a smile that’s wicked like sin and his voice lowered to match, Eddie says, “Oh, I’m sure of it.” 

Buck makes a sound that he’d be embarrassed by in the daytime and then descends on Eddie’s mouth with every intention of devouring him whole. Eddie moans into his mouth like he’s happy to let that happen and then suddenly pulls back, “Wait Buck,” 

“Sorry. Sorry, what happened? Did I hurt you?” 

“No,” Eddie kisses him to prove it, but softer, almost chastely. “But you said- The reason why I waited so long to make a move?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I didn’t want to mess this up. I thought about it so many times and I want to do it right.” 

“You’re doing it pretty good.” 

“You know what I mean, Buck,” Eddie says, smiling at him. 

“I do.” The same reason Buck never let himself believe that Eddie was thinking about him like this. The same reason he never made a move of his own. 

“You’re everything. And I think we should take this slow. Slow-ish,” he corrects when Buck pouts. “Maybe medium-fast. But not like this, okay? Not tonight. I want to do better for you.” 

“I’m really not that picky,” Buck says, slipping his hands into the back pockets of Eddie’s jeans. “I don’t know if you read the bathroom wall recently, but around town I have a reputation for being kinda easy." 

“Not anymore you don’t,” Eddie growls, the deep timbre of his voice thrilling Buck down to his toes. “And if I’m going to ruin you for anyone else then I need to do this right. Okay?” 

“Okay.” 

Eddie holds out his hand and Buck reluctantly takes his own hands out of Eddie’s pockets to take it. He lets himself be helped down off the counter and Eddie pulls him against his chest. They stand like that for a while, Eddie running his hands over Buck’s back and Buck just breathing in the warm scent of him. 

“So are you thinking like tomorrow or…” Buck asks hopefully. 

“Soon. I promise.” 

“Do you want me to go?” 

Eddie hums into his neck, “No.” 

"Getting kind of mixed signals from you here, Eds,” Buck laughs. 

“Ugh, okay fine.” As though it hurts him to do so, Eddie pulls away from him completely. “Are you really okay? Because you came over here to talk about your parents and then I just-” 

“Jumped me?” Buck offers. When Eddie looks pained, he takes sympathy on him and shakes his head, “I’m really okay, Eddie. I’m going to be working through that with my parents for a while. It’s not the last time I’m going to ask you to help me get out of my own head. But I feel better. You made me feel,” the smile breaks onto his face without warning. “You said you love me.” 

Little wrinkles show up at the corner of Eddie’s eyes when he smiles back, “I do love you.” 

“Say it again.” 

“I love you.” 

“He loves me, but he’s kicking me out. No, I’m sorry,” Buck says at the look on his face, reaching out to put his hands on Eddie’s shoulders. “I’m sorry. I understand why we need to take it slow.” 

“I just need to do it right.” 

“I know you do. I understand.” 

“Why aren’t you more freaked out about this?” 

“Because it’s you, Eddie,” Buck says simply. If Eddie tells him that he loves him it’s because he does. If he kisses him it’s because he wants him. He might be the only person in the world that Buck never feels like he has to doubt. And maybe Buck doesn’t deserve him, maybe it’s not possible to deserve Eddie. Maybe he just has to hold on tight and thank his lucky stars. 

“I don’t want to ruin it,” Eddie murmurs. “I want to be enough for you, Buck.” 

“You’re not going to ruin it.” The idea is ludicrous. “And if I try to ruin it, you’ll pin me to the wall until I see sense. And because I love you too. You’re already enough. So we’ll figure it out. I just want you. Any way you’ll have me.” 

The smile that blooms on Eddie’s face could outshine the sun. He says, “Well now I feel bad for kicking you out. Which was your plan all along, right?” 

“It does seem a little rude. I mean I just confessed my love for you and everything.” 

Eddie shakes his head, but he’s laughing, “You want to stay for another beer?” 

“I’d love to.” 

Later, when Buck’s half-asleep with his head on Eddie’s shoulder and he says, “Well I probably should be getting home,” Eddie hits him with a pillow. But he falls asleep to the sound of Eddie breathing and wakes up to the light streaming through the window as he lays in Eddie’s bed and Buck thinks that there’s no way he could have planned this. His plans never turn out this well. 


End file.
